That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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