I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
