Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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