I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
