I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize