atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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