I think im going to throw up on grandma
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
