dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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