you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
