Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
