If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
