So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
