I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
