I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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