i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
