I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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