We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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