everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
