i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching