my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
