Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
