he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
