Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
