You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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