Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
