I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
