You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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