note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
