now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
