the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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