I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
