Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life