I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.