yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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