Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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