I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
