My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
