I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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