i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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