Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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