Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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