allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
