____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Is Oprah even human
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
