I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
