I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
