How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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