so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
