you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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