she smelled like a LAN party
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
