Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
