She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
