How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
