I feel like abortions should bother me more
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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