okay pat passed out under dana's car
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
