I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
