Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
