When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
