So drunk its hurt
My hand turned me down
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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